You cut me and the pain is all I wanna feel
by Larxel
Summary: Why do I keep watching him? He is perfect. One of the most popular guys in this High School. All girls want him. And everybody hates me. Most of the people act like I didn't exist. So why do I keep watching him? RikuSora, SLASH, bad summary, read inside.
1. Chapter 1

I always watched him when they played.

They trained in the school's gymnasium three times for week, right after the school. They all were tall and talented, and most popular of the all students, of course.

I could never be one of them. Naturally. I wasn't tall. Nearly all girls in my class were taller than me, not to mention boys. And more importantly, I wasn't popular. And somewhere deep inside me, even though I tried not to notice it, I knew that it wouldn't make me any more popular if I did play in the basketball team.

I just wasn't that kind of type that were popular.

Conversely, I was hated. It wasn't like that I got mocked and beaten or anything like that… well, not often at least. Most of the time people just acted like I wasn't there. It had been that way since I started High School. I just simply didn't exist here, no one bothered to look at me, and actually I didn't even remember when I had last time talked properly to someone my own age. When I tried to say something to someone, they looked at me like I was pestilence or something like that. If some other student said something to me, well, it was likely some big college student who was beating me up after dragging me behind the nearest corner.

That was my life in nutshell. And it was all because of one reason; I was gay.

All school knew that. It was now my second year here; this awful treatment had started in the end of my first. Before that no one had dared to touch me. That was because of Hayner, who had been my boyfriend back then. We had started High School together, and we hadn't cared to hide our gayness from other people. It hadn't matter back then; we got each other and others opinions were not important.

But our relationship's situation had been this: Hayner was strong, I wasn't. But we were supposed to stay together forever, so it really worked out well. But, yeah, my life started to get all wrong by then.

Hayner's parents found out about us, I they didn't accept it. So they moved away, I have no idea where, and took Hayner with them. I still miss him sometimes. We tried our best to hide out relationship from our parents, because we knew exactly how they would react. In fact, my folks don't still know that we were more than friends. My life sucks badly at the moment, and I don't want to make it even worse by getting thrown out from my home.

So what keeps me here?

And even more, what keeps me sitting in the gym's auditorium, watching basketball team's training, even though it breaks my heart? I've always loved that game, and I, more than anything, I wanted to play in school's team. My shortness was maybe a problem, but it wouldn't be insuperable. But 'cause of the fact that I was gay, the coach of the team only laughed meanly when I asked was there free places in the team.

"For guys, yes" He had said, "For queers, no"

That's why I sat here, in auditorium, three times a week after school, watching them playing. No one could forbid me for coming here. There was also lots of girls sitting and screaming for their favorite guys.

And, with the heavy feeling in my chest, I watched them playing. And particularly I watched _him. _

He was one of the best players, usually he played center. He scored all the time, he was the captain, and when the teams were chosen, he was always first picked up. When they took a break for drinking water, every other guy clapped his back, the couch nearly adored him. And every time I saw him in school's halls, he walked around, surrounded with his friends and fans, and other students let him pass.

He was everything I wanted to be, and that was why I watched him. Well, half of the reason.

The other half was that he was… well, _he. _

He was tall and lean, yet muscular. He had beautiful, white skin and clear blue eyes, and his hands were well and skillfully with the ball. And every time he jumped and scored, his long silver hair swung in the air, and light made it glow in the colors of blue and violet. I had never seen so amazing hair.

I had been watching him for couple of months now.

He grabbed a ball again and started to move, attentive and agile, like always.

"Riiikuuuu! Riiikuuuu!" punch of the girls next to me yelled and clapped their hands together, "Show them! You're the best! We love you!"

I didn't know if he heard the screams or not. Secretly I wished that he didn't. But I kept myself quiet and viewed my schoolbag quickly. After this game I might finally talk to him…

He pushed the floor with his long feet and jumped high in the air. Basket clanged and ball fell through it. Nearly everyone in the gym yell. He landed back in the ground and graced his long hair. Sight made my heart beat two times faster.

"Okay, guys, time's up" team's coach shouted, checking his watch, "To the shower then, and remember to eat well when you get home"

"To the McDonald's, gang!" one of the players said at once, causing others to applaud and laugh.

My heart missed a beat; that would mean that he was going too. And that meant that I had to hurry.

X

My feet felt like two piles of butter, when I approached the doors of locker rooms. I gulped for several times, before stepping forward and leaning my back against the rough wall. I put headset on my ears and started my CD-player. My parent never bought me an IPod.

The CD had already played three songs before the door opened. My heart fluttered hopefully, but comer wasn't him. It was one big guy from the third year. I knew him, he's name was Xaldin, and he was one of them who had one time force-feed me with heroin. I had never felt so horrible in my entire life.

"What do you want from here, poof" He snarled, punching me in the chest. The hit wasn't very hard, and after all I had gotten used to it, so I said nothing. Xaldin snorted, lighted a smoke, spitted on me and left.

I waited more. Songs passed in my CD-player. Finally the door opened again.

Now big group of guys came out. I looked at them quickly, but I didn't see him there.

"Ew, this disgusting creep is checking us out" I knew that guy too; he was Seifer, one of the biggest gay haters in school, "What's with you? I want to be part of the gang?"

I stood in my spot, saying nothing. I had figured out long ago, that it was the easiest way.

"He doesn't want to answer" Someone other laughed and splashed water from his canteen on me. I felt cold liquid running through my brown hair.

"Let's get out of here" Seifer said, "We have no business with this queen"

They left. When last one had disappeared from my view, I raised my hand and wiped my hair and face.

And then.

The door.

It opened once more.

And he stood in front of me. He had his black leather jacket on, and his hair poured along his back, wet and shining.

My mouth fell open. He eyed me behind his hanging forelock. I had never been so close to him, and now I saw that his lips were thin and pale, and that his eyelashes were long and bushy. And he stood there, right in front of me, other hand on his hip, and watched me from above.

"Hey" He finally said, throwing a burning cigarette away, "What do you want?"

He didn't say it like the others. His voice was not contemptuous or full of disgust. It was simply a question.

"Riku" I said, relieved that he hadn't just told me to go to hell, "I- I have something for you… wait…"

I started to cave my schoolbag as quickly as I could. I was afraid that he would get tired of waiting and leave.

But he didn't. He stood still and watched as I straightened with a bottle in my hand.

"Here" I said, a bit choking, "You- you forgot this in the gym after your last game… and I thought that…"

"Oh, my canteen" He said and took it from me. When he did, I felt his skin against mine for a second. It was soft, smooth, like I had assumed, "I've been looking for it" He looked at me for a moment, "Thanks"

He _thanked _me. _ME! _The most despised creature in the whole school. Riku, the whole school's star thanked _me! _I felt like floating three feet above the ground, and only hardly I managed to whisper: "No big deal"

He eyed at me once more.

"What's your name?"

Riku asked my name! I almost fainted right in that spot.

"I'm Sora"

"Okay" He said. Them we both heard two girls yelling from the corner:

"Riku! Come here already!"

"We've been waiting!"

I watched those girls. They were pretty, other one had red hair and other one blond.

Then I looked at Riku.

"Sure thing" He exclaimed, "Sorry for keep you waiting"

He left. The girls stock in his side right away. And he was gone.

Without looking behind.

X

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Okay, I told myself that I don't put this in . Well, famous last words, huh. Please, please comment to me!

I do not own characters, Square Enix does.

First RikuSora ever.


	2. Chapter 2

House sounded empty when I entered.

I never really called our family's house as home. I had never really learned to act like that. It didn't feel like home. There was no warmth in it. It was just a house where we happened to live.

It had been okay when Hayner had lived in next door. _That _was the place that had felt like home. But now some old weird man lived alone in there. I had never seen him but people that lived in this street always whispered to each others that he was weird and crazy. So, that kind of person was now living in the place that had once almost been my home.

I put my shoes to stand and took my schoolbag to the upstairs. I opened my room's door and dropped the bag on my bed. Roxas' bag was already arrived, so I grabbed my sneakers and ran back to downstairs and out from the backdoor.

Behind our house there was a small basketball field where we used to play. Roxas always said that even though I wasn't accepted in school's team, there was no point to stop playing. We both loved basketball. Of course Roxas played in his own school's team. He was still in Junior High and he had always been somehow better son. I mean, he was everything that parents usually hope. He had good marks, lots of friends and he got along well with our parents' friends too. He also had everything I wanted; he had a good life. He had been together with he's girlfriend Naminé six months already. They always looked very happy and sweet together when she was in our house. Naminé is very nice and she is usually very friendly at me, which feels great after many shitty schooldays. I also now some of Roxas' classmates; Demyx is quite funny and Axel is cool. I play PlayStation with them sometimes.

Roxas' pals are my only kind-of-friends. Sometimes I hope that I was still in Junior High. But then again, if I was, I would've never met _him. _

I still can't believe that I actually talked with Riku!

And all thanks to that canteen he forgot in the gym some days ago. I still remember how I trembled when I climbed over the limp of the auditorium, landed in the field and picked it up. It had felt warm in my hands and I had wondered if the same warmth was in his white skin. In his delicate, perfect hands…

"Hey, bro! Are you coming to play with me or are you gonna just stand there forever?"

The voice snapped in my head and it took some time before I realized that I had froze at the door, still holding to sneakers in my hand. Roxas smiled at me from the field, turning the ball in his hands. His toffee colour hair stock out at the front as always, he had his shorts on, but no shirt. When I watched him, he threw a ball towards the basket, without even looking. He scored, of course, ´cause he was very talented. We both had same dream, to play in NBA someday, but Roxas was the one that more likely would reach his dream. He was kind of better in everything, even though he was younger than me.

It still didn't bother me often. I loved him very much because he was my brother and, at the moment, my best friend. He was not upset about my gayness – well, how could he be, Demyx, one of his best friends was also gay. Very few people knew about this. I really wasn't supposed to know, but Demyx had once slipped out to me that one guy in my school, Zexion, was really hot. After that Demyx had been very scared that I would tell everybody.

Well, I would never do that. I didn't want anyone to suffer like I did.

"Catch!" Roxas suddenly shouted and passed the ball at me.

I got it just in time before it hit my face. "That wasn't very nice" I blamed, playfully, "I wasn't ready and you saw that"

"Don't be idiot" Roxas laughed, ran at me, took the ball and scored, "I knew you were gonna catch it. You're fabulous player"

"Not as good as you" I murmured. Roxas stared at me incredulously.

"What? Idiot" He said, "I would never be a match for you. Wanna try one game? One by one?"

"Really" I snorted, "I don't think so. I don't want you to beat me up 12-0, you know"

"Okay" Roxas said. He grabbed a ball again and dunked. He's jumps were really high and sharp, but of course he didn't look nearly as good as Riku did when he dunked.

"What are you thinking?" Roxas asked.

"What? Nothing" I said quickly, "Why do you ask?" Roxas smirked.

"Because you looked like you were thinking something. Or…" He paused, "…Some_one" _

I said nothing but snatched the ball and threw it at the basket. I missed by an inch.

"You are" Roxas insisted and caught the ball before it hit the ground, "I can tell"

"Yeah sure" I tried, though I knew that he really saw right through me. I cursed in my mind that my little brother was so damn intelligent.

"You haven't been thinking anybody that way since… long time" Roxas said carefully. I smiled at him gratefully; he knew that I didn't want to talk about Hayner's move.

"I know" I said quietly.

X

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Next day in school, I sat in the corner table. It was a lunch break and I had a lunch box in front of me, with orange juice and jar of beans in it. I nearly always eat beans for lunch, 'cause my father has a night job, so he always sleeps in the morning, and my mother is really busy so she doesn't have time for making such good meals.

Just when I had grabbed my spoon and I was about to open the jar, I saw him. Well, it's not very hard, in fact it's much harder to _not _notice him because of all fans he has around him, but anyway. He was about to sit at the table quite near of mine (I sat alone, naturally) when he looked up and saw me sitting there.

I smiled at him and raised my hand unsurely. I really wanted to wave, but he had all his homophobic friends with him. But then I saw his face properly; he had contempt all over in his eyes, nose and mouth, and he stopped his motion with cigarette and lighter in his hands.

"Why are you staring at me, queer!" He shouted, causing everyone to look at me.

I muted, shocked.

"Yeah, why are you staring at him like some kind of idiot!" One of the girls yelled and they all giggled nastily.

"But… but" I started, trying to look at Riku's beautiful blue eyes, "I just… yesterday we…"

"Stop staring at me, fag" Riku said, lighting his cigarette and not even looking at me.

"You heard him!" Xaldin shouted, "Get out of here!"

He threw an orange at me. I cleared it, stood up and leaped away with my bean jar and lunch box. Hooting and sneering followed me, but I hardly even noticed it.

Riku's eyes had been so full of… hate.

I'm never gonna wish any impossible things again. It's waste of time.

And waste of heart.

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Woot, second chapter o.O

Comments would be nice…


	3. Chapter 3

I didn't feel like staying in school for rest of the day, so when I left the cafeteria I went straight outside.

Sun was shining, but it really didn't warm me anymore. Maybe I should go back to our house? I couldn't go to the mall because it was my school's every gang's hangout. As soon as the school would end, they would be there. And I would possibly get beaten. Since I haven't been beaten for a while, I except that next time will be soon. They do it usually when they get bored.

Last time had been bad. After waking up in the trench I had been barely able to drag myself home. I had been so scared and confused that I hadn't even remembered to use my telephone. Roxas had found me crumpling from our front door, and he had done the best he could with my wounds. I never consent to use hospital because if I did, my parents would find out about it and maybe uncover the truth about my sexuality.

"They'll throw me out" I always said when Roxas wanted to call to the health centre, "Then I have to live in streets and I'll get beaten twice as much as now"

We always cried together. Roxas cried because he felt bad for watching me suffering. I cried, partly because I was hurt and partly because I knew I was complicating Roxas to enjoy his life.

I don't want to stop him having a good time. And maybe I should try too. Maybe I should go to mall. I checked the time. It was still couple of hours before school would end. If I'd go there…

But then again… many of my bullies skipped their schooldays for no reason. They could be there anyway, right now. I didn't skip often. In fact, this was my first time I skipped for nothing; usually I went to the school even after I had been beaten. That was because I wanted to get good diploma and go to the college somewhere far away as soon as possible. Somewhere where no one knew me and where would be friendlier attitude at gays. That's what I wanted.

Until now, at least…

But now there were things that made it different. There was _him. _

To be honest, right now I couldn't care less about marks and school and college and stuff like that. I wanted to talk to Riku. _Talk _him, properly, like yesterday. I wanted to find him and ask why he was so rude to me; I really, really wanted to see him _alone…_

Wait!

Alone. That was it! Riku was so rude to me because there were all of his fans around him. Yes, yes! Riku couldn't let anyone to see how he, the hero, was kind to the guy like me…

Suddenly my mind, which had already lightened up, went dark again. What our friendship would be like, if he always had to act like I was dirt when there was other people around?

Why was I talking about friendship anyway? Like Riku would ever want to be friends with me…

X

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So I went back to our house – I just _can't _call it home.

When I opened the front door I heard the sound of boiling butter coming from kitchen. My father had apparently woken up and was now preparing himself to the next night shift. He always cooked himself some really greasy foods like sausages and bacon, or ordered fast food meals. Our house's bins are always full of hamburger's wrapping papers and empty pizza boxes. My father has a big shaking stomach. I think it's disgusting. I never eat very much.

Riku is very thin, even though he seems to go to the McDonald's with his friends nearly every day. He must train himself well…

"Who's there?" My father shouted when he heard me closing the door.

I didn't answer but I walked to the kitchen's door so he could see me. It had been long time I had seen him, anyway.

"What are you doing home this early?" He asked unfriendly, turning the fried egg on the pan.

This is not my home, I wanted to say. "I didn't feel well. So I came here"

"Sissy" My father snorted and places the egg to the plate. There was already three on it, "Real men do not spend their days idling at home"

"You said it" I muttered, turning away from the door.

"What was that?!"

"I'm going to my room doing my homework"

Of course I didn't do my homework. Instead I took one of my notebooks and tore an empty page from it.

Hey Riku, I wrote with my messy handwriting, I like you very much.

No, that wasn't a very good start. Probably Riku got those kind of messages from girls every day. I wanted to prove that I was different.

Riku, I wrote again; just because I liked to write his name. Even his name was beautiful.

_Riku, I know that you or your friends maybe think that I'm worthless and stupid just because I like boys instead of girls. But I really want to be friends with you. Would you like to come to my house for a visit sometimes? _

_Sora_

I red it over and over and the words sounded more and more ridiculous each time. I would definitely never give this to Riku.

I put the paper away and sighed. Maybe I should go and play basketball, since that was the only thing I liked to do.

Beside Riku, a little voice said in my head. Yeah, right, but I can't do Riku, so it doesn't matter.

I knew that there was a little basketball field near Roxas' school. Some of my school's team's players surely trained there in their free time. But it was still noon, and there was plenty of time left. Maybe I could go… just for a little while. It was so much better field than the one behind our house. I had always wanted to play there. Not as much as in the real team, of course. But still, training in the proper field could be fine for my skills…

I grabbed my telephone and choose a number. Roxas should have a break right now…

"Hey, bro" Roxas' cheerful voice answered, "Aren't you supposed to be at school?"

I knew that he was only joking but I still said: "Yes. I'm skipping"

"Oh" Roxas' voice got a little depressed, "Dare I ask why?"

"Not anything special" I lied, even though every cell in my body was screaming for Riku's name, "Where are you now?"

"Heading back to the school. We were at the kiosk. Hey guys, it's Sora, say hello"

"Hello, Sora" I heard Axel's voice laughing. Hearing a friendly greeting cheered me up a little immediately.

"Hello there, my partner in gayness" Demyx's voice said, excited as usual. I laughed; nothing had made me laugh for a long time.

"So, what are you calling for?" Roxas asked, a bit more seriously this time, "Are you okay?"

I knew what he meant, "Yes, I'm fine. Look, I just wondered, when there's that basketball field quite near of your school…"

"Yes, we're just passing it right now"

"Good. Is there anybody playing?"

"In that field? No, it's empty. Why?"

"Not much. I'm just going to go there. To practise"

"Okay" Roxas said slowly. He sounded a bit worried, and I understood him.

"Hey, little brother" I said warmly, "I can't stay inside this house forever"

"Yeah. I understand. Well, have a good time. And be careful"

"Yeah, bye"

"Bye"

X

X

I got to the field in no time and stepped inside from the iron gate carefully. The place was quite spacious, green field of very short fake grass. There was a basket in each end and the field was entirely enclosure.

I would be nearly impossible to escape, if someone would come and try to hurt me. But it didn't matter; I never ran away. Besides, I could not live my life in fear all the time. I had to take what world offered to me.

So I took off my overcoat and warmed up with a ball for a moment. I ran around the field, reworking my dribble. I couldn't usually practise that in our little back yard field, so I didn't want to let it grow weaker.

There was no one in view and I started to enjoy myself. It was wonderful to train all alone, with no one bothering me. I threw the ball in the basket for some time, and after I had scored 20 in a row I tried to dunk. That had always been my weak point. It was the only part of the game I really felt to be too short for. And I wasn't so good at jumping high as Roxas was. But I didn't want to dunk like Roxas.

If I could dunk like Riku… Riku…

Riku was perfect at dunking. He was a perfect player. He was perfect…

And suddenly I almost had a heart-attack when I heard a voice behind me:

"It seems that you really _can _play"

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Third chapter… I really loved your comments last time, thank you all!

And I still love if you want to comment more!


	4. Chapter 4

It was him.

I knew it right away when I turned around. Riku was standing there, other side of the hedge, leaning on it with a little smirk on the corner of his mouth.

The ball fell from my hands. I quickly looked around to see if his friends were with him but he seemed to be alone this time. For a moment I felt only relief for that I wasn't going to get beaten, but then I started to panic again. Riku stood there, in front of me, looking straight at me behind his bushy eyelashes. His black t-shirt was a little too short and it disclosed his flat tummy and abs.

"What are you looking?" He asked. His voice was like that again; smooth and carefree. It sounded like he wasn't in a rush to anywhere. Like this situation, being here alone with me didn't bother him at all.

"Nothing special" I managed to whisper. Riku laughed.

"You're lying" He told. Then he shook his head and came at the field from a gate. I knew that I should've answered something, but I just simply couldn't say anything. My whole head was full of Riku and us in this small field together.

He stopped right in front of me, only few inches away from my face, and placed his hands to his hips. "You were watching me"

I blushed. This was not true, it couldn't be. Riku's blue eyes were looking right down at me. I stared back and tried to see, where in the bushes his friends were hiding. This had to be some kind of joke; Riku was surely making fun of me. His group was somewhere on the lam, just waiting to come out and attack me.

"Well?" Riku asked. "Weren't you watching me?"

His smile was warm. I collected all my guts that I still had.

"I was" I said, on the voice that was loud enough to be heard in the nearest bushes.

"Well, it's okay by me" Riku said.

I was so focused to observe our vicinity that it took me a while to realize what he had just said. "Wha- Wait! What?" I stammered, feeling the heat on my cheeks to grow.

"I think you heard me. Don't make me to repeat things for nothing. I don't like it" Riku said.

Yes, I had heard him. It was just that I couldn't believe it.

"It… so it's okay to you?" I spluttered, "That… I… if I look at you?"

"I like it"

Now that was breath-taking. My heart pounded so fast that I knew Riku could hear it. Still he didn't even blink; and there was no his friends or fans around.

"You like that I stare?" I asked. I dared hardly to breathe; I was afraid that even a small noise would break this vision down.

"Usually only some idiots stare me. Y'know, those air headed chicks from the school. They're so boring. You're interesting for a change"

I stood there, frozen, trying to absorb his words. Interesting… Only some idiots…

"You… you don't think I'm an idiot?" I finally asked.

Riku looked surprised. "Of course not"

Then I knew what I had to do. This was my great… no, my _only _great chance.

"I- I have a message for you" I said quickly, before I'd start to hesitate, "I was going to give it to you in school, but now that you're here…"

I searched my pockets while I was talking; it was with me right? I had put it to my pocket before I left my house. It wasn't very good, but right now it didn't matter; if Riku didn't think that I was an idiot…

I felt a paper against my hand and grabbed it.

"Here it is-" I said, turning my face back to Riku… and then I felt a hard punch on my chin.

I staggered backwards and tasted a blood in my mouth. My eyes were full of starts for a moment and somewhere far away I heard rough laughter.

I hold my head; damn, it hurt. I hurt every time just as much as it did last time. Everyone says that you get used to things and they start to feel easier. But when I got hit, it always felt the same. I spitted the blood out of my mouth, but it kept filling again. I probably had bit my tongue.

Footsteps came closer. "Did you think that you could get closer to Riku by pretending that you can play basketball, queer?"

I recognized the voice before I could even see property; Seifer. He stood now next to Riku, the usual black cap in his head and looked at me cockily. Riku… Riku… The pain in my chin suddenly doubled; Riku's fist was still stretched and his knuckles were red. I stared at him and my eyes started to water. Riku…

"Nice hit, Riku" Seifer laughed, pointing at me, "That thing still can't even talk"

Riku looked a little frightened for a moment when we looked at each others, but then a proud smile returned to his face.

"Yeah well" He said at Seifer, "It was pretty good considering that I hadn't much time to target. I mean, this gay was like totally trying to verge me!"

The pain in my chin vanished and moved to my heart. I felt like falling and I wanted to scream out everything Riku had said to me just for a moment ago. But I knew what would happen if I did; Riku would deny it all and they would beat me up really, really hard. But then again, I didn't really care. I only wanted his friends to go away so I could give my message to him…

"Hey look!" I heard a voice right behind me. A strong hand grabbed my neck; it was Xigbar, one of the biggest guys in the group and kind of Riku's bodyguard along with Xaldin, "This clump has some kind of paper in his hand, see"

"Bring it here" Seifer ordered. Riku didn't say anything. I tried to catch an eye contact with him, but he kept gazing at his friend next to him.

Xigbar took a paper for me and reached it for Seifer, still holding me in the air. I felt my bones in my neck snapping.

"Goodness" Seifer shouted after reading my message, "This queer has some kind of addiction to you, Riku. Look! Disgusting!"

Riku took my message and red it really slowly. I saw his eyes moving from line to line. It was a really quiet and painful moment. Seifer smirked at me; he seemed to be completely sure that I was going to suffer and hard.

After reading the paper Riku crushed it in his hand and looked at me with abhorrence in his face. Or was he only acting? I wasn't sure about anything anymore.

"Put him down" Riku finally said quietly. Xigbar obeyed at once. Seifer looked expecting.

My neck was practically dead for the pain, but I said nothing. Riku walked slowly at me. He still had the message in his hand.

"Now listen to me, queer" He said, "Things like you are perverted and sickening. I sure hope that this one time makes clear that I don't have anything to do with people like you. If I can call you people anyway, if that is"

"Hit him to make it sure, man" Seifer recommended.

"That was my purpose" Riku said. He raised his hand again.

For a second I considered to run away but before I could, I saw something in Riku's eyes. It was only a quick flash, but it was enough.

Then he hit me right on my eye.

I didn't even try to stop myself for falling on the ground. Seifer's laugh echoed all around me and I was pretty surely going to be half-blind for some time. But I didn't care…

I felt Seifer kicking me on the shoulder. "You got lucky this time. But if you try anything again, you'll be dead. You can believe that. Now go before we change our minds"

I got up as quickly as I could, grabbed my ball and ran. My left eye was burning like on fire. I knew that tomorrow morning it would be swollen like hell. But it didn't really matter because I had seen it in Riku's eyes. Riku's eyes had said 'I'm sorry'.

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"I'm back" I shouted when I opened the door.

"Sora? Is that you" I heard my mother's voice. So she was back from the work. That meant that my father had already left, and almost all of bacon's smell had disappeared.

"That's me. I-" I checked my watch and continued, "I just got back from the school"

"You hungry?"

"Not at all. I'm going to my room" I just wanted to get some ice on my eye and, most of all, tell Roxas what had happened.

I jumped the stairs three at the time and slammed our room's door open.

"You never guess what happened to me!" I screamed.

"What on earth has happened to your _eye?" _

Only then I noticed that Roxas was sitting on his bed with Naminé. I had probably interrupted something important.

"Oh, sorry" I mumbled and started to pull the door back, "I'm going now…"

"Wait" Roxas said. He was still holding Naminé on his lap, but looked worried, "What happened to your eye?"

"I…I tripped" I said, not wishing to say anything in front of Naminé.

"Tripped?"

"Badly. Well, better get some cold on it, then" I quickly backspaced from the room and headed to the toilet. Soon I heard Roxas following me.

"Now tell me" He said after locking the toilet's door after him, "What is this?"

I had ice backs under the sink in repository and I hit one on the wall so the ice would smash.

"Give it here" Roxas said grapping the bag and placing it on my black eye.

"It's unbelievable" I told him, "Remember when I was yesterday thinking this one guy…"

"Yes" Roxas said carefully, clearly wondering where this story would lead.

"Well, I think that… like" I procrastinated to enjoy it a little longer, "I think that he likes me too!"

"Really?" Roxas asked, amazed.

"Not like that!" I cleared when I realized his mistake, "But he may want to be my friend. Can you believe it? No one had wanted to be my friend for like ages. And he's the school most famous person and all…"

"That's great!" Roxas said, sounding truly happy for me, "But what happened? You got hit again, right?"

"It's not big deal" I alleged, even though my eye under the bag pulsed in ache, "But I still can't believe it! We were talking, just two of us in that field…"

"And what happened?" Roxas asked, "Some of your bullies came and attacked you?"

"Kind of" I said slowly. I knew that we were getting closer to the hardest part, "Well, actually they were his friends…"

"One of his friends hit you?" Roxas asked. He didn't sound happy at all anymore.

"Well… no"

"But what?"

"…He hit me." I finally mumbled.

The ice bag fell away from my eye at immediately. Roxas stared at me, incredulous.

"Wait. So this guy, who wants to be your friend, hit you?"

I heard it from his voice; he didn't understand. He thought I was finally gone mad. And maybe I was.

"I don't care, Rox" I said stubbornly, "He's wonderful"

"Since when wonderful people have started to hit you?" Roxas asked.

"You don't understand" I said, "No, really, Roxas, listen. He had to. He can't show his friends that he hangs with a guy like me, or…"

"Or what?" Roxas interrupted, "Gosh, Sora. If he wants to be your friend, he shouldn't care what other people think"

"It's not like that" I started to raise my voice, "He's not into boys. If he wants to be my friend, I really don't care if…"

"If he hits you?" Roxas finished. He was about to shout too, "Then you're crazy, bro"

"Don't you call me…" I started.

"I do! Only because I care about you!" Roxas waved the ice bag in front of my face, "I've just looked you getting beaded forever and healed your wounds because I care! But if you're going to let someone beat you constantly just to make him like you more… no way! Friendship is not like that, Sora! Do you think that if my school would find out about Demyx's gayness, I'd start to hit him every time there's someone else around?"

"I bet you wouldn't!" I cried out, "But we can't all be as perfect as you are! I really, really like him! If it's he that hits me, it doesn't even hurt so much!"

"That's bullshit" Roxas said. His voice was suddenly normal again, "What that guy did was pathetic" And then he said what I had most awaited and most been afraid for, "Hayner never cared what other people said. He just wanted to be with you"

I pushed him aside and ran away. How dared he to say something like that?

Tears started to run from my health eye.

I knew that what he said was a truth. It always was.

Friendship is not like that.

But I also new one other truth; I didn't care if Riku hit me. I didn't care what kind of our friendship would be. It didn't even matter if it wasn't a friendship.

I just wanted to be something. I wanted to be someone for Riku.

Even if it was just someone to hit to better the image.

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It's hard to write these homophobia-things, 'cause I'm really HUGE fan of yaoi and especially yuri.

I hope you liked this chapter!


	5. Chapter 5

I didn't really know how I managed to wake up in the morning, get dressed and pack my schoolbag, since my mind was still full of Riku and Roxas and that dream I had last night. In that dream I had been chained in a large bed and in front of me Roxas had shouted to Riku that he couldn't touch me. I had wanted to say I wanted him to touch me, but my mouth didn't move. Finally Riku had taken a dagger and cut Roxas' throat open and then he had slowly taken his clothes off. That was the point when I woke up, bathing in my own sweat.

I couldn't help but be afraid when I saw Roxas' bed being empty next to mine. I knew it was stupid, but I still picked up my cell phone and tried to call him.

"What do you want?" Roxas answered.

His voice was so unfriendly that my worry quickly disappeared and was compensated with anger. "Where are you?" I asked coldly.

"Going to school. And I hope you'll do the same"

I switched the phone off and kicked his bed. It didn't really hurt but I squealed anyway. It was because of my eye. I ran to the toilet and watched the mirror; it wasn't black anymore, but was starting to change into violet. And it was still ache. He hits really hard, I thought while watering the peace of paper.

"Goodbye" I shouted while running down the stairs. It was useless, though. My mother had already left and I heard my father's snoring from their bedroom.

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I sat in my usual place in the class, in the corner. I hardly saw the teacher with only one eye, but I didn't ask to get to change my place. This was the only desk I could sit with no one throwing erasers at me. And teacher hadn't said anything about my injury so why should I?

I spent my lessons thinking about Riku and different versions about our first date. At the beginning of my last lesson my favourite was the story about Christmas. I would wake up late, like in every holiday, and say "Happy Christmas" to Roxas while reaching my present to him. We would go to the downstairs and whole family would eat dinner together; something that hadn't happen in ages. At eight o'clock in the evening the doorbell would rang. I would open, wondering who it could be, and I would saw Riku standing on the porch. He would be alone and nervous and ask if I would like to go for a walk. We would walk quietly in the empty street, in genial snowfall. Then he would suddenly lower his hand to my shoulder and bend down to whisper…

"Well, that's all. You may go now"

I snapped awake from my daydreams and looked around; whole class was now penetrating to the door. I put my books slowly back to my bag and waited that they were all gone. Then I stood up and walked to the hall, heading to the quickest way out.

X

X

It was a bit cold outside, and I speeded up, even though I had no idea what to do when I would got to my house. Roxas wouldn't talk to me, and I couldn't all the time think and dream about Ri…

"Hey you" A voice said and I felt a squeeze in my arm.

I froze. I would recognize that sound anytime…

"How's your eye?" Riku asked, "Hey whoa, calm down" He added when I turned around wildly, "There's no need to panic"

He acted like he had already forgotten all about yesterday. If he didn't want to remember, why should I? He was here, and that was what really mattered.

"Well, come" He said suddenly and started to walk opposite way. I stood still, amazed. When Riku noticed I didn't follow him, he turned around, looking asking.

"C-come… where?" I finally whispered.

"You said you wanted me to come to your place" Riku smirked, "But I want you to come my place instead. There's no one else home, is that okay?"

The question was so silly that I just had to laugh, which made Riku look quite puzzled.

"What are you laughing at?"

"Nothing" I sighed. I knew Riku didn't like to repeat things, but I just had to ask, because I couldn't believe it yet, "Did… you just ask me to come to visit you're home?"

"Of course" Riku said impatiently, "Don't you understand me? Or do gays have their own language in these situations?"

"Yeees" I breathed, not really listening what he was talking. I felt like floating in purple clouds.

"Sure" Riku shook his head, "I told my friends to go to McDonald's without me for this. So are you coming or not?"

"Of course!"

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Riku opened the door and rushed inside. I was left at the front door, standing stilled.

His house was amazing. It was big, white as marble and it showed very clearly that he was from rich family.

That was yet another way he was perfect and better than me; everyone knew that Riku's parents were wealthy. His mother was famous movie star, who travelled around the world. His father was well-to-do too, though anyone didn't seem to know where he got his money. But I think if you live in the house like that, you don't really care where your parents get their money for it. Unless it's something illegal. And Riku's dad could never do something criminal. I had never met him, of course, but a perfect boy like that doesn't come from unlawful family.

"What are you standing there?" a wonderful voice snapped and I awakened, "Having second thoughts?"

"Of course not" I said quickly. Last thing that I wanted was to make Riku think I didn't want to visit his home, "I just… where can I leave my shoes?"

"Oh, what the fuck does that matter" Riku said impatiently and waved his hand, "Just come in here and remember to close the door"

I hurried to obey. When I shut the door I heard it locking.

Just then I noticed that all big windows had purple curtains in front of them. It seemed weird to me, but since there was bright lights everywhere in the roof, it didn't make any difference.

"Come already" Riku yelled from the room that lay in the end of corridor. I walked as fast as I could without running, but I was a bit worried about my shoes ruining that spotlessly clean floor.

Riku didn't seem to worry; he had already jumped on the kitchen table and was now searching something from cupboards.

"Why do you keep curtains down?" I asked nervously, trying hard not to look at Riku's ass covered by tight dark blue jeans.

"I don't like idiots watching inside" He answered simply, not looking at me.

I remembered how he had said that he didn't think I was an idiot. He really thought I was better that those fan girls he had in the school. And now he had brought me in his house as a quest. I felt a blush on my cheeks and I was very grateful that Riku didn't look at me right at that moment.

"Hey, sit down already" He suddenly recommended, "Don't act like you shouldn't be here all the time. I'll be with you in the moment"

It was very easy to act like I shouldn't be there. Living room was enormous and television covered almost the whole wall. It seemed all too elegant to me. Sitting carefully on large, pink leather sofa in my shabby t-shirt and holey sneakers, I felt like… well, cat in water, I think.

Huge stereos played music in low volume. I recognized the female singer; her name was Tifa Lockheart, and she was quite popular among teenagers. Roxas listened her music often in our room, and my dad also said she was great artist, though I knew he liked her legs more than her voice.

"Tifa Lockheart is pretty hot to me, what do you think?" Riku's beautiful voice asked as I heard him entering in the room.

I didn't answer. What could I say, anyway? And Riku knew it; he smirked at my helpless face and sat on the small glass table in front of me. He was holding two small glasses and big bottle with a text "cognac" on it. My heart missed a beat; what was he planning?

"Sorry about that hit from yesterday" Riku said simply as he filled one of the glasses, "I wasn't happy to do it. You want some?"

"Wha-" I realised that he meant the cognac and I quickly shook my head, "No, thank you"

"You're not drinking? Oh well, have it your way then" He sighed and emptied the glass with one gulp, "You don't know what you're missing, still. One of my dad's best cognacs"

"Does he know you're drinking it?" I asked, mesmerized, staring how he filled the glass again.

"Of course not" He said carelessly, "But he won't miss it. Old man drinks so much and gets so much drinks as gifts from people, that he won't notice if one's gone" He smacked his mouth, "Mmm, this is real yummy"

So are you, I thought.

"Do you think I'm yummy?" Riku asked and I almost fell out from the sofa.

"Wh… What?" I said, amazed.

"Oh, forget it" He laughed and practically threw the glass over his shoulder. Next I saw him taking a small bow from his pocket, "You probably don't smoke, either?"

"No" I answered, "Sorry" I added for some reason.

"What? Because you don't smoke?" Riku laughed and lightened up his cigarette, "That's nothing to be sorry for. You're so strange"

I wasn't absolutely sure was that good or bad thing, but I didn't really care. Riku looked awesome, sitting on the table corner and blowing the smoke out of his mouth.

"Now" He continued and moved on the sofa next to me. I felt suddenly very warm all over, "You like my house?"

"Very much" I said, honestly. Though Riku's face was so close that I would've answered "yes" to any question.

Riku smirked, "And you like me too, right?"

"Yes" I breathed. I had already admitted it yesterday, so there was really no sense at denying it now. Even if I wasn't so sure what Riku meant with "like".

"Good" He smiled and suddenly his arm moved over my shoulders. My heart could've jumped out of my throat, "That's what I wanted to hear"

"Why?" I managed to whisper. Riku was now almost on me, and still he kept nothing but smiling.

"Well" He said slowly, pretending to hesitate. That was the moment when I knew that he was teasing me on purpose, "Surely I want to know before I do anything to you, don't I?"

"Yes" I agreed, hardly even thinking what he was saying. Riku's long, silver hair hung on my forehead and made me very tense and hot all over.

"I'd like to know you a little better" He continued, leaning even closer, "You think that we could get to know each other?"

My head was spinning. This was like all my dreams come true. And I smiled. For a long time I smiled with my heart full of joy. And I closed my eyes, closed them from the pain on my eye and chin that Riku's fists had done, closed them from Roxas' warning words and whispered:

"I'd love to"

"Good" Riku repeated. And then he pushed his soft, perfect lips against mine. And for a moment the whole world was mine to hold.

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This is not the end, folks!! So comments, please :D


	6. Chapter 6

Riku was kissing me.

Riku was kissing me.

I was kissing Riku.

Okay, I sat there numb and Riku was kissing me. He was gentle. He didn't push his tongue into my throat so that I almost suffocated, no. He licked my teeth, he held me in his warm embrace with his soft, caring lips. He was really kissing me.

And it lasted forever.

Truly it lasted only couple of seconds that felt like eternity to me. Then he pushed me back and smirked, leaning his head.

"You don't answer very well", he said, "Did no one taught you?"

I wasn't quite sure if he was really expecting me to say something. I was lost with the words anyway, staring at his smile, relaxed eyes, fluttery hair. He wasn't nervous at all.

"I…" I started, but didn't know how to continue. I didn't even remember what I was going to say. Riku graced his hair behind his ear.

"You haven't ever kissed anybody?"

"I had a boyfriend", I managed to say.

"Really? Apparently he wasn't a very good kisser, since you learned nothing from him", Riku noted. That didn't sound like a question. Riku's glance wandered around ceiling and the walls, a light smile on his lips. He seemed completely easygoing, like he hadn't kissed me at all.

"We… we kissed", I hurried to say, "I… I can kiss. I was just… surprised"

I knew it sounded like explaining, but it was the truth. Riku looked at me briefly.

"Because you haven't ever been kissed by someone who took your breath away?" he said. That was a question.

"Yes", I said, not hesitating one second. I knew it was unfair for Hayner, underestimating him, but I didn't care. At the moment, I didn't care about anything else than Riku and the fact that he had just kissed me.

"Cool", Riku said, "It's nice to take someone's breath away"

I was astounded, "You take many people's breath away", I pointed out, "You're the most popular guy in our school!"

Inside my mind, I begged with my every brain cell that Riku would tell me that I was the only person whose breath he wanted to take away. That I was the one.

Instead, he looked into the empty, black TV-screen and said: "Yeah"

I swallowed. Well, I had expected too much, anyway.

"So, what was his name?" Riku asked suddenly.

"What?" I blinked.

"The guy you were dating", Riku smirked, possibly to my slow reactions.

"Oh that…" I said ashamed, "I think it was Hayner… or something like that", I muttered quietly.

My entrails dislocated, or so it felt, I was so disgusted with myself. I was so unfair. But I wanted to forget about Hayner. I wanted to be Riku's, now and forever.

Riku just nodded, "Oh okay. I just thought that if it was that Roxas-kid I sometimes see you with"

I stared at him, not really knowing if he was joking. I had had no idea that he even knew Roxas' name, or ever saw me with him.

"He's my brother", I told him.

"I know", Riku said carelessly. He still looked the screen like there was some invisibly program on.

"Well then…" I said slowly, "How you could think I was dating my own…"

Riku shrugged, "You gays do a lot of funny things".

_You _gays? That sounded weird, seeing that Riku had just kissed me. What did he mean by it? I wondered if I should ask, but I decided to ignore.

"Roxas is not gay", I said instead.

"Really? Looks like one", Riku said.

I didn't know what he meant by that either.

"He has a girlfriend", I said.

"Cool", Riku noted, "So he has probably gotten some"

"What?" I jumped.

"Do they do it?" Riku asked, "Did you do it with that boy of yours?"

I opened my mouth and then closed it again. Did we do it with Hayner? No. Riku had probably done it with many girls. Why did he want to know?

"Well, I…" I started.

His cell phone rang. When he got up and answered it, I thought about Roxas. Would he still be mad at me? Would he be mad when he heard what had happened between me and Riku? Would I even tell him? But could I keep it inside me, like a burning secret that made my heart beat faster?

"What?" Riku asked into his phone, turning his back on me. I didn't hear the other voice.

"What, now?" he continued, "Well yeah, that's true, but…"

The sun floated in from the big window, making his profile glow. It made him look like an angel. I couldn't stop myself at watching.

"No, no, of course you can come", Riku's words hit my consciousness, "I'm not busy. Where are you? There already?"

He turned around and I saw a little bit nervousness in his eyes. But he covered it up with his sure voice.

"Okay, see you in couple of minutes. Bye"

He hung up and we looked at each others.

"Who was it?" I asked carefully.

"Xaldin. He and Seifer are coming", Riku said.

He looked at me. I didn't say anything. I didn't like hearing this. What would they say, when they saw me here? What would Riku say to them?

"They're pretty close. Not much time. I think you should leave by the back door", Riku said.

His words were like bullets to my brains, they hit, one by one. Riku was sending me away.

"You know, they wouldn't like if they saw you here. For your own good", Riku explained.

I was about to say, that Riku could tell them that I'm his friend. They would leave me alone. But then I changed my mind. It was wiser to do what Riku said. He was thinking my own good, after all. Maybe he would invite me again. Maybe there was now something between us.

So I got up from the sofa, and Riku hurried to the small door that led to the spacious, beautiful backyard.

"Go through the bushes, it'll lead you to the woods", he said, "So no one sees you leaving here"

I would've rather used the street, but he was probably right. I heard noise from the front yard, and Riku hissed: "Go", so I went out.

"Y'know", Riku said, when I was almost at the hedge. I turned around, and he smiled, "I'm glad you didn't do it with him. It's too good to be wasted with just anybody"

And he closed the door. I looked after him and felt a huge smile growing on my lips. A little part of me told me that I should've said that Hayner wasn't just anybody. And the rest of me knew, that I wouldn't say it to Riku for the worlds.

I saw a little bit of Xaldin and Seifer, when they got off of their motorcycles, and quickly I dived into the bushes.

X

When I got back to the house I was living in, I was covered with leaves, sticks and moss. Someone passed my by, when I was about to enter our gate. When I realized that he had come out from the house next door, I remembered that everyone called him weird and crazy, and I felt my heart beating faster and rushed inside.

I run on Axel.

"Whoa, calm down. You saw a ghost?"

"So, you guys are here", I noted, taking off my shoes and trying to make my heart slow down. I think it had already beaten twice as much as one normally does in a lifetime.

"Naminé has her art class today, so Roxas bothered to remember he actually has friends. And he asked us to come over", Axel told, "And where have you been, adventuring in the backwoods?" he asked, eyeing my suffered clothes.

"Walking", I said elusively.

"You should change clothes, got it memorized?" Axel said, turning to the living room, "We're playing PlayStation. Roxas, your bro's here!"

Roxas came to the doorway and stopped when he saw me. We stared at each other for a minute, but I couldn't read anything from his blue eyes.

"You and Demyx can play the next round, okay?" Roxas said to Axel.

"Sure thing", Axel smirked and rushed away from the hall, "You heard that, man? You're dead!"

"You wish!" I heard Demyx yelling. But their voices didn't cover the bothered silence between me and Roxas.

"How's your eye?" he finally blurted out.

"Better", I mumbled.

He nodded. I scratched my hair.

"Look… I know you mean well, but…"

"I just don't want you to get hurt", Roxas said.

"I get hurt anyway", I said, "They beat me if I like him or not"

"There are more painful things than getting beaten", Roxas said. He was right of course, and I knew what he meant.

"He might… break your heart", Roxas continued, "Maybe… use you"

"Riku would never use me", I said quickly, and decided not to tell Roxas about the kiss. It was not using… Riku really likes me. He'll invite me to his house again. We'll kiss again, next time I'll kiss too. And he'll be with me.

"You sure?" Roxas asked.

"I'm sure", I said, and my whole heart hoped desperately that it was true, true, true.

"Okay", Roxas sighed, looking like he had accepted his loss, "We're playing. You want to join us?"

"I think I'll get something to eat", I said, not being really hungry, but dying to get away and clear my thoughts.

Roxas returned to the living room and I went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. The coolness felt nice on my face and thoughts about Riku, covered with the sunlight, looking at me with that angel-face of his filled my mind. I still could feel his taste on my lips if I tried really hard; a little strong, iron but syrupy, smoky taste. Probably the cognac and cigarettes.

"Is there any coke left?" Demyx asked, suddenly standing at the kitchen's door.

"Yes", I said sleepily, grapping the bottle and reaching it to the blond boy.

"You're okay?" he asked, "You seem a bit… absent"

"I kissed a guy", I said. The words just flew from my lips. I couldn't tell Roxas, so who else I could tell? Demyx would understand my feelings better anyway.

He looked surprised but still happy.

"That's what we do, eh?" he said smiling, "Who was it?"

I viewed a door quickly, "You must not tell Roxas, okay?" I said.

"You're secret is save with me", Demyx promised, holding his hand on the wrong side of his chest.

So he sat on the kitchen's table and drank coke while I told him everything.

He looked as worried as Roxas, but didn't judge me right away. Of course I cut out the part where Riku hits me in the eye.

"Riku?" Demyx repeated, blinking his eyes fast, "I've heard that he's like the leader of the biggest gay-hater gang around. Or is it some else Riku?"

I hesitated a second, "I think it's the same"

"Oh", he said slowly, "So he's a gay too?"

"I don't know", I admitted.

"Why else would he kiss you? Unless he wants to play around with you…"

"He wouldn't do that", I said quickly, just like to Roxas.

"Really? How come?" Demyx asked.

"I…" I swallowed, "I just know it" Riku wouldn't do it. He's too perfect.

Demyx seemed to think hard.

"So he's in denial? The biggest gay-hater in town?" Demyx said, "Wow, it would explain, I must say. But… wow"

"You must not tell anyone", I hurried to say, "He could lose everything; his reputation, his friends, power… Not to mention the place in the basketball team"

Demyx stared at me.

"And…" I started, feeling something stuck in my throat, "If he finds out that it's my fault…"

"I see", Demyx said. He stood up and placed his hand on my shoulder. Then he smiled, "You're in love, partner"

He turned around and returned to the living room.

I thought about his words and decided that I couldn't have said it better myself.

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Okay… this update didn't take long or anything…

But I haven't forgotten this story! I will finish it NO MATTER WHAT!


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